THE INNER WORKINGS...

desperate dependence

Don't get me wrong. I think that the whole cute-small-talking-train-thing is very endearing. I mean, how could someone read the story and not come out rooting for the "Little Engine That Could"? And, let's give it to him: he does teach American five-year-olds some valuable lessons like perseverence, self-confidence, and even some modern "positive thinking". But, I've got to be honest. I think that The Little Engine That Could did me in. I mean, what happens when you spend months saying to yourself (in the classic choo-choo rhythm) "I think I can, I think I can," and then one day you look up and you realize that you actually can't? Because that's what has happened to me in these past few weeks.

You see, we've just begun the new school year down here in La Plata and as all of the responsibilities of the year kept on piling up, I just kept saying to myself, "I think I can, I think I can." And this morning, I finally arrived at a point where it all became too much. I was huffing and puffing just like the Litte Engine, trying to continue on, but the upward slope was too great to climb. And so I let out a desperate sigh and confessed to God, "I can't." I just couldn't go on. The task was too great. My abilities were too limited. And as I claimed defeat, a verse from Paul's second letter to the Corinthians came to mind:

"But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

I guess you could say that it was one of those "light bulb" moments. It wasn't the first time that I had thought about all of this - I mean, I've heard those catchy, rhyming phrases about God's ability being shown through our inability, and I would even say that I've seen it in action. But I think God, being the Good Teacher that He is, is taking my understanding to a deeper level. And so it was today, as I confessed my intense need for Him, that I realized that the Little Engine had it all wrong. My mantra will no longer be "I think I can", but "I know He will".

posted by Courtney @ 1:06 AM